I’m forwarding you a letter in response to a reader’s recent diatribe against geese.
I translated it from its original format (it was written in chicken-scratch with a goose quill). The original author wishes to remain anonymous due to death threats. The name given here is a pseudonym.
My name is “Honky” and I am a goose.
My home is in Parksville, also Nanoose
And Qualicum, Coombs — Errington too!
I’ve flown past lots of kind neighbours like you.
People who think I’m worthless, inbred
People who think I’m better off dead
Some say, “He’s illegal!” Some say, “He’s a pest!”
“There goes the neighbourhood, he just built a nest!”
But the oddest darn thing to a creature like me is the short-sighted way in which you neighbours see
We geese teach our goslings the best way we know
“Respect other creatures and follow the flow.”
No goose ever littered, no goose ever lied
Or threatened the planet with mass genocide.
We may gabble loudly (God made us that way)
But that’s only because we enjoy what we say.
You humans however, are something a-gain
I’m thinking of landfills, and acid-laced rain
I’m thinking of gases that block out the sun
And cause global warming and other such fun.
I know what I’m saying is perfectly true
When I’m looking down, I’ve got a good view.
You gas up your cars and park in long lines
You take out your kids and leave garbage behind
You wash out your swimwear with phosphates and bleach
And never consider the toxins that leach
Into the beaches, into the air
I ask you dear reader; is this really fair?
When your dog chases me on a sunny beach run
I don’t attack Fido with a bat or a gun!
Yet some reserve hatred for birds of my kind
Resenting the presents that we leave behind
I’m sorry my friends for the fact that I poop
I’m sorry I haven’t two hands that can scoop!
I’m sorry you think my habits are naughty
I’m sorry there isn’t a goose Port-A-Potty!
But mostly I’m sorry you won’t be my friend
And so my good neighbour on this note I’ll end.
These beaches are paradise, ones we could share
You creatures below, with us birds in the air
The swallows, the eagles, the geese and the gulls
The answer is simple: try patience, not culls.
Honky (c/o Keith Lowe and family)