HORNER’S CORNER: Just deal with Today’s Neil

You can't hold something against someone if it didn't happen today, right?

O

uch! I bet that hurt! That’s quite the shiner you’ve got there!

What’s that? Why did I slap you upside the head yesterday?

Well, before I say anything about that I think we should put the matter over for a full investigation. I can assure you my people will be thorough and, without a doubt, completely transparent.

And that’s what this province needs right now, transparency, openness and honesty … and a good economy, because only with a good economy can we pay for the services — such as inquiries into slaps upside the head — that British Columbian families demand.

You know, you really might want to put a steak on that…

No, I’m not saying I didn’t do it. I’m saying the people — or at least you — evidently want answers and I’m not going to rest until I can get those answers — probably some time after the provincial election.

These things take time and people are pretty busy right now.

Hey! Whoa! Cool down there! There’s no need to be belligerent!

Look, I’m confident that if this goes any further I will be fully exonerated. I’ve hired a dozen top lawyers who will undoubtedly prove me blameless, should such allegations emerge from, say, you.

It could be a long enquiry though, and costly. You know how lawyers are.

Just sayin’.

Besides, it’s all academic. Even in the unlikely event that I should be in some way implicated in even the slightest way in this alleged slap, you have to understand that it happened yesterday, (or so you say) and this is today.

So that slap would have been done by Yesterday’s Neil. This is today, and the person writing this is Today’s Neil.

As some politicians and even whole political parties have made abundantly clear lately, you can’t blame Today’s Neil for anything done by what is clearly Yesterday’s Neil.

Come to think of it, I’m writing this tonight and you won’t read it for another day at least.

So let’s see … anything I do today, as Today’s Neil, will have been done by Yesterday’s Neil by the time you read this. Hmmmm …

 

WHAP!

Neil Horner is the assistant editor of the Parksville Qualicum Beach NEWS and a regular columnist.