Get away from being a victim

Here's to Hope and Happiness with Dr. Neill Neill: this week, you don't have to be a victim

Bill (not his real name) came to me about a relationship problem, but went on to tell me he compulsively drinks because he is an alcoholic.

He continued with, “I get it honestly: my dad and all my uncles are alcoholics. I can’t help it. I’m a victim.”

The active alcoholic almost always sees himself as a victim.

The most pervasive sign of this is his blaming other people and situations for his life. He blames his wife for making him drink. He blames his ex-wives and girlfriends for robbing him blind. He blames the economy for his underemployment. He blames his childhood for his chronic unhappiness.

Nothing about his life is of his doing.

It is interesting that there are a lot of other people with none of the usual types of addiction — alcohol, drugs, prescription medications, gambling, sex — that portray themselves as victims just as the alcoholic does. They blame the external world for their chronic unhappiness: “How could I be happy while the world is in such bad shape?” “My girlfriend got pregnant at 19 and in the last 40 years she has never apologized for getting pregnant and that makes me unhappy.”

Bizarre? Yes, but real.

Victims do blame their condition on the economy, their families, their genetics, bad luck and a host of other external things. They seem to compulsively hold on to the notion that other people and things control their well-being.

It’s a given that the addict is a victim: he does not have control of his pursuit of his drug of choice.

I invite you to the curious about whether the corollary is true: is the victim an addict, that is, is the victim addicted to not being in control?

Walks like a duck, swims like a duck…

So how does anyone get out of being addicted to a lack of control?

How does anyone get out of being so stuck?

The first step in getting out of any addiction is to become aware of it.

This is often difficult because the addiction becomes interwoven with the victim’s identity. Next, the victim decides his life has become intolerable and will do whatever it takes to get out of that stuck place.

For the alcoholic, quitting drinking is only a beginning.

If nothing else is allowed to change, relapse is almost inevitable. True full recovery for the alcoholic involves a shift in personal identity from being a victim to taking responsibility for his/her life. In the process, everything is on the table.

I suggest that for the victim, the person addicted to a lack of control, the process is exactly the same.

And the end result for the former victim is the freedom to be in charge of his/her sense of well-being and purpose.

None of this lets us escape from the vicissitudes of life.

Objectively, companies downsize putting people out of work, and others die in car accidents or through diseases.

Cancer recently took Jack Layton. You could think of Jack as a victim of cancer, but from all indications, to the very last he saw himself, not as a victim, but as someone living with cancer. He was in charge of his happiness and purpose to his last public letter.

What an example for the rest of us!





You can reach Registered Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill for an appointment at 250-752-8684 or through his website,


Dr. Neill Neill is a regular columnist  for the Parksville Qualicum Beach News

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