Hi. I’m Neil Horner. Do you have a problem with monkeys?
Many people do and I’m here to tell you that it’s nothing to be ashamed or afraid of. Not any more. True, there was that one lady who had her face ripped off by a chimp that time, and another person I believe had his arm ripped off and was beaten to death with it by some sort of ape, but relax, because MPT has you covered.
That’s right. For just $49.95 per month, Monkey Protection Team can help put those fears of rampaging orangutans and bonobo berserkers behind you, so you can live life again — the way you deserve.
Why take chances with the lives, faces and arms of your children? Our dedicated staff have all been highly trained in all aspects of monkey threat assessment and you can be sure that even though the woods could be crawling with vicious man-eating banana-gobblers right now, it won’t be long before you’ll be able to once again walk in the forest with confidence.
What’s that? Don’t quit your day job? Stoking people’s fears just to make a quick buck?
Oh please. I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing it for the community — for the kids. It doesn’t matter whether you make your home in Meadowood, Dashwood, Hilliers or in the rural areas, nobody should have to live in fear of being ripped limb from limb by some renegade troop of baboons. I won’t take it and neither should you.
The fee? That would just be for wages, advertising, overhead, and protective gear like helmets, flame throwers and fling shields (you know how monkeys are).
Look, let’s put these rampant rumors of blatant opportunism to rest. I don’t need the money — that’s why I got into journalism.
Besides, my financial future is secure, thanks to a former prime minister and a little thing called inevitable mortality.
That framed stain on the wall behind my desk? That coffee cup ring happens to be on Privy Council letterhead and it came from the desk of none other than then-Prime Minister Jean Chretien himself.
You can just imagine him there, working hard on the affairs of the nation, taking a sip and putting down his cup, slopping a little and picking it up again. Slurp!
Riveting stuff. Morbid? No, not really. I think he was a great prime minister and I wish him many more years of health and happiness.
But he, like all of us, is not immortal. I’ll be genuinely sad when he goes and I certainly won’t put my treasure on the market until a suitable mourning period has passed.
But when I do, ca-ching!
So don’t delay. Do it today — and while you’re at it, check out our Family Day specials.
Neil Horner is the assistant editor of the Parksville Qualicum Beach News