HORNER: You done with that apology?

Columnist has an idea for Premier Christy Clark's next apology

My first memory is of a great brown arch soaring up into the sky. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized it was the handle of the baby basket I was laying in on the steps of the orphanage.

— Neil Horner after a few beers

Whoa there people! Slow down a bit. I know a lot of you are really mad at Christy Clark and the Liberals. I get it. You don’t like their scheme to woo ethnic voters with taxpayer dollars. Fair enough, but rather than throw the baby out with the bath water, maybe we should see if we can glean something positive out of this mess.

I would agree with you that it’s probably too late for the ethnic minorities mentioned in the memo. I would think any of those groups would have far too much pride to actually show up to any sort of apology event — and rightly so.

But there is another group, one that wasn’t named in the document, that might be perfectly happy to accept government apologies, however sincere they might be.

In the interests of transparency, I should make clear at this point that I count myself a member of that group.

The ethnicity? Um … Indeterminate.

If you were to ask me about my family tree I could rattle it off in no time flat: my dad came up for the weekend.

Am I part American? Part French Canadian? Italian? Viking? Do I have any Maori blood? Ukrainian perhaps?

Let me be blunt. Frank and Jean Horner adopted me and gave me a loving home, but as far as genetics goes, I could be William Shatner’s love child for all I know.

My imagined ethnicity changes with my mood and what’s hot at the time.

I’m not alone. There are thousands, probably tens of thousands of genealogically-challenged people like me out there in British Columbia, and like the rest of the population, at least 30 per cent of us vote.

If Christy Clark wants a quick win, how about an apology to us? It’s not like we haven’t suffered. How many inheritances were lost over the centuries because perfectly good people didn’t know who their father was? Discriminated against? You bet, to the point of being called illegitimate, for goodness sakes! Made fun of and quietly scorned: that has been the lot of the questionably lineaged.

And don’t kid yourself. The abuse goes on to this day. Ask your kids what they invariably say in the TV series South Park every time somebody kills Kenny.

“Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You ——!”

Yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. How do you think that makes us feel? We just wanted to watch a cartoon!

I know it’s not a really great apology or anything, but my people are used to settling for second or even third best. Think Charles Dickens. “Please sir, can I have some more?” We take what we can get.

If the Liberals were to hold a formal ceremony to apologize for all the wrongs done to my people, I would be the first to form a chapter of Bastards For Christy, right here in Parksville.

Maybe Kevin Krueger could be our liaison. I’m confident he would do an awesome job.

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