RAYVIEW: Gullible brother Ray

Smit recounts stories from his cool, older brother

When my big brother Jay was 17, he bought a 1958 Chrysler Imperial. One Saturday afternoon, he called me outside to the driveway, “Hey, come listen to this, Ray.”

I came running.

Jay had the hood up and pushed the horn. I expected a honk but what emitted from the engine compartment was the sound of a freight train!

“Wow. Cool!” I replied with all the enthusiasm of a 12-year old.

The neighbours weren’t nearly as appreciative, with several giving us dirty looks from nearby windows and front yards. Jay ignored them. “This is going to work out perfectly.”

“What is, Jay?”

“Every Saturday night my buddy Jeff and I double date. And we always take the girls to park out by the train tracks in Markham. Tonight we’ll have some fun.”

“Why would you want to park with girls?” I asked with disgust.

“You’ll find out, little brother. You’ll find out.”

Jay got home around 11 p.m. I was awake so I snuck out of bed and asked, “What did you do, tonight?”

“I parked behind a commercial building next to the railway tracks. Then every time a car got near the crossing, I blew the horn. You should have seen all those cars screeching to a halt!”

“Didn’t you get into trouble?”

“There you have it, brother. A while later another car pulled up and I blew the horn four times. Suddenly his lights started flashing. It was a cop! So I did a 360, flipped off the lights and booted it out of town. The girls were scared but the cop never even saw me.”

“Wow, Jay. You’re amazing!”

A few years later, Jay came home from a date and told me another exciting tale. Some time around midnight, he’d been driving down Don Mills Road in his new Camaro.

Since it had a 600-horse power engine, he let it rip on the highway. Way back in the distance he saw a cops lights go on.

His goose was cooked.

But as he crested the hill near the turnoff he saw an opportunity.

A Barracuda, which had the same style taillights as a Camaro, pulled out onto the highway in front of him. Jay quickly slammed on the brakes, turned up the side road, flipped off his lights and waited.

A few seconds later a police car went flying past in hot pursuit of the Barracuda while Jay quietly drove over the next hill before turning on his lights again.

“Wow, Jay. You’re incredible!” I enthused.

A few weeks ago, Jay returned from the grocery store grinning. “I was buying chicken when this woman tried to push me out of the way with her grocery cart. Talk about rude!” “So why are you laughing?”

“This old British gentleman was standing there and when she left he leaned over and said, ‘She tried to do that to me too.’”

“I asked him how he handled it and — get this — he said he passes wind. Turns out every time somebody tries to push him out of the way, he just goes, ‘Phht, Phht, Phht!’”

He can do it at will. Real loud too. So it got me to thinking….”

“No. You wouldn’t dare!”

“Well maybe you’re right!”

As I headed outside, Jay gave me a beatific smile. Suddenly I smelled a, er, rat.

English gentlemen who pass wind, mysteriously appearing Barracudas and cops seemingly addled and confused make for fine stories.

But there is no substitute for a gullible brother.

Ray Smith is a regular columnist with the Parksville Qualicum Beach News.

 

His humorous book of stories, The Trouble With Tapioca, is now available through Amazon.com. It will also be available soon at the Vancouver Island Regional Library.

 

 

Just Posted

Parksville residents hear compelling tales from recovering young addicts

Speakers emphasize need for detox and treatment centre, shelter in the area

REVIEW: ‘Grace and Glorie’ a moving tale of death and friendship

Two women convey characters convincingly and with humour

Jordie Lunn, world-renowned mountain biker from Parksville, dies in accident

The 36-year-old was with friends trail riding in Cabo San Lucas when the accident happened

Island man restores 1962 Qualicum Beach fire truck he bought for $1

Vintage vehicle in working order and ready to hit the road

B.C.’s rural paramedic program expands, with home support

Advanced care ambulance staff added for six communities

BC Ferries sees steady traffic of post-Thanksgiving weekend travellers

Ferries filling up fast, sailing waits at some terminals

Canadian Snowbirds plane crashes before air show in Atlanta

Pilot lands safely after ejecting from jet

Singh says NDP would form coalition with the Liberals to stop Tories

Singh was in a Liberal-held riding Sunday afternoon in Surrey where he was pressed about his post-election intentions

‘My heart goes out to the mother’: B.C. dad reacts to stabbing death of Ontario boy

Carson Crimeni, who was also 14, was bullied relentlessly, his dad says

BC Ferries filling up fast with post-Thanksgiving weekend travellers

Monday anticipated to be busiest day of the weekend

‘Save the kids!’ Dorian survivor tells the harrowing story of his Canadian wife’s death

Family held a funeral and placed Alishia Liolli’s remains in a niche at a cemetery in Windsor, Ont.

Okanagan woman, 91, votes at advance polls despite broken hip, shoulder and wrist

Angela Maynard has voted in almost every election during her lifetime

Heiltsuk Nation open first Big House in 120 years in northern B.C.

Opening means the community now has an appropriate space for spiritual and ceremonial events

Most Read